Really Illegal Golf Preview: Golf, Crime, Tasers and Absolutely No Respect for Club Rules
Really Illegal Golf looked like one of those games where the title is doing most of the work. Then the demo arrived and, annoyingly for my cynicism, there seems to be an actual game underneath the joke.
The free demo launched on September 20 and gives you a full nine-hole course where golf is only half the problem. The other half is that you are trespassing, guards are wandering around, CCTV is watching you and you need to figure out how to keep playing without being thrown off the property.
The full game is planned for Q1 2027, with No More Robots publishing.
There are still plenty of unknowns. We don't know how deep the progression goes, how much variety the later courses have or whether the joke still works after several hours.
But one thing is already clear.
The illegal part actually matters.
And that makes this much more interesting than I expected.
If criminal golf has made ordinary golf look tragically law-abiding, keep going. Best Crime Games is where the respectable hobbies end and the paperwork starts.
You got banned from golf, so obviously you become a criminal
The setup is wonderfully stupid.
Your character gets banned from their golf club.
Now, most people would probably accept this. Maybe send an angry email. Maybe spend six months telling everyone the committee is corrupt. Maybe join another club and continue dressing like a regional sales manager attending a wedding.
Not this person.
No.
This person decides that the correct response is crime.
You're going to play golf anyway.
That means sneaking onto places where you clearly aren't welcome, avoiding guards and cameras and, eventually, bringing equipment that starts moving the situation away from "unauthorised golfing" and dangerously close to "something the police negotiator would like to discuss."
The full game promises stranger locations, including military property, plus equipment such as tasers and grenades.
I love the escalation there.
You don't go from golf club to slightly less legal golf club.
You go from:
"Excuse me sir, members only."
to:
"Why is there a man with a nine iron inside the missile facility?"
That is commitment to the hobby.
It isn't just normal golf with Derek the security guard
This is the bit that could have killed the whole idea.
"Stealth golf" sounds funny, but it also sounds like something that could become old before you've finished explaining it to someone.
Hit ball.
Hide.
Hit ball.
Hide again.
Congratulations, golf now has crouching.
But Really Illegal Golf seems to be doing more than placing a guard beside the fairway and hoping his fluorescent jacket carries the entire game.
The guards, CCTV and hazards actually change how you approach the course.
Normally, a golf shot is about distance, angle and where you want the ball to land.
Here, you're also thinking about whether getting there is going to attract attention.
Suddenly a brilliant shot isn't necessarily a brilliant shot if it leaves you standing in front of a camera with three security guards jogging towards you.
That already gives the golf another layer.
And apparently you can deal with situations quietly or take a more aggressive approach.
Which means the traditional golf bag is finally getting the update it needed.
Driver.
Wedge.
Putter.
Taser.
Golf purists may complain, but golf purists complain when somebody's socks are the wrong shade of beige, so we'll survive.
Really Illegal Golf only borrows a few heist ingredients. If you want the full menu of planning, stealing and escaping before somebody notices the vault is lighter, head to Best Heist Games.
The criminal part is actually real
This is the thing I care about most here.
Loads of games tell you you're some kind of outlaw, criminal or dangerous bastard, then give you about as much criminal freedom as a Delhaize self-checkout.
The story tells you you're bad.
The mechanics tell you to stand inside the glowing circle and press X.
Really Illegal Golf starts with a ridiculous premise, but then actually builds the game around the fact that you're not supposed to be there.
You're trespassing.
You're avoiding surveillance.
You're watching guards.
You're thinking about your route because somebody is actively trying to stop you.
And, eventually, your equipment apparently starts looking less like something you'd buy from a golf shop and more like evidence.
That's enough for me to take the premise seriously.
Not seriously in the sense that I'm expecting Heat with golf carts.
But seriously in the sense that the crime changes how you play.
You're not just playing golf while some illegal stuff happens nearby.
Playing golf is the illegal stuff.
That is so stupid.
I mean that as praise.
Multiplayer could be where this becomes properly ridiculous
The project has grown quite a lot from the earlier version, and multiplayer is now a proper part of it.
That could be where the whole idea really comes alive.
One person trying to illegally play golf is funny.
Four people trying to illegally play golf while avoiding security has the potential to turn into complete chaos.
Someone screws up a shot.
A guard notices.
Someone panics.
Another player decides that subtlety has had its chance.
And suddenly the afternoon has gone from "quiet round of golf" to "incident currently being monitored from a helicopter."
That kind of collapse could give the game a lot more life than the basic joke suggests.
But this is also where I don't want to pretend we know more than we do.
The demo supports multiplayer. Great.
That doesn't automatically mean the full game will have enough depth to keep those situations interesting.
Solo matters too.
Some co-op games are brilliant with friends and feel like you've arrived at a birthday party three hours early when you play alone.
Really Illegal Golf needs to make sure solo feels intentional, not like everyone else forgot to log in.
The big problem is still the same: can the joke survive?
This is what Really Illegal Golf still has to prove.
The idea works.
The demo proves that much.
But funny ideas are cheap.
Steam is basically an industrial warehouse filled with games based on one sentence somebody shouted in Discord at 2am.
The hard part is building enough underneath that sentence.
How much does the equipment change things?
How different are the courses?
Does stealth get more complicated?
Do later locations force you to think differently?
Can aggressive play genuinely change your approach?
Does multiplayer create new situations, or just add extra golfers to the same puzzle?
And after you've done this for several hours, are you still enjoying illegal golf or have you just become a man repeatedly crouching behind hedges while holding a seven iron?
We don't know yet.
But at least Really Illegal Golf has already passed the first test.
There is an actual mechanic hiding underneath the title.
Golf gives you the precision part.
Trespassing gives you the risk.
Security gives you another problem to solve.
CCTV affects where you can move safely.
And the more aggressive equipment threatens to turn a quiet Sunday round into something requiring several government forms and a statement from the Ministry of Defence.
I went into this expecting a joke game.
Now I want to play the demo again.
That's probably the best compliment I can give it at this point.
Really Illegal Golf is due in Q1 2027, and the free nine-hole demo is available now on Steam. The next question isn't whether the idea is funny. It clearly is. The question is whether there's enough game underneath it to keep the joke alive once the police arrive.
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