GLUM: A Goblin’s Guide to Mayhem

TL;DR

A goblin-powered chaos simulator where your foot does the talking. Stylish, violent, and hilarious—but not quite legendary.

Score: 74/100 – 👔 Buttoned Up

Solid job. Few scorch marks. Still waiting on the big score.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear: I do not play games for fun. I play them to scheme, to break things, and to watch lesser beings scatter like pigeons in a firework factory. That’s why GLUM felt like slipping on a tailor-made brass knuckle.

You play as Glum—a squat, gnarled goblin whose boss has been kidnapped. Instead of holding a tearful press conference or filing a report, Glum does the only reasonable thing: straps on a magical boot and sets out to kick every living soul in the face until he gets answers.

THE KICK IS GOD.

There are no swords. No guns. No pew-pew nonsense. Just the boot. And oh, what a boot it is. It sends enemies flying like unpaid interns at a vault robbery gone loud. Every kick is a sermon of violence. And the level design? Think underground fight clubs met a medieval meth lab. Delightful.

The style system—called Menace Style—rewards you for creativity. So, when I punted a cursed knight off a ledge into a fire barrel, the game clapped for me. As it should. I am an innovator of mayhem.

Visuals? Bloody cartoon warfare.

Everything looks like it was drawn by a goblin with ADHD and a crayon addiction—and I mean that as a compliment. It’s twisted, vibrant, and ready to collapse under the weight of its own chaos.

Glum himself is a bitter little gremlin with a voice like gravel in a blender. He mutters threats, curses gods, and somehow remains more likeable than any member of polite society.

Now, it’s still Early Access, which is to say: some bits explode when they shouldn't, some enemies die just by looking at them funny, and the scoring system occasionally acts like it’s drunk on goblin wine. But the developers—CinderCat Games—are clearly the sort who would burn down a kingdom just to rebuild it with more traps.

🧨 Criminal Mastermind Scorecard – GLUM

Category	Score (out of 20)	Notes
Chaos Potential	19	Boot-fueled ragdoll carnage. Explosions, impalements, perfect madness.
Cunning Factor	10	Minimal scheming. It's brute force over brain cells.
Style & Swagger	16	Cartoon violence, goblin profanity, and physics-based sass.
Narrative Crimes	15	A one-goblin revenge quest. Basic, but beautifully unhinged.
Replayable Villainy	14	Limited by Early Access, but Trials add bite.

Total Score	74 / 100
CMS Tier	👔 Buttoned Up

Verdict

If you’ve ever wanted to be an unhinged goblin with an industrial-grade boot and no moral compass, GLUM is your calling. It’s fast, rude, stylish, and stupid in all the best ways. You won’t become a better person playing it, but you will become more dangerous.

And isn’t that the point?