How Assassin’s Creed Decides to Publicly Humiliate You for Existing
TL;DR
Memory Block I is Assassin’s Creed slapping the controller out of your hand and saying:“You’re not special. Earn it.”
It humiliates you, strips your power, punishes mistakes, and teaches stealth by letting you fail publicly. Not fun. Not friendly. Brilliant.
Feeling nostalgic for when games actually hated you?
Relive Assassin’s Creed before it discovered skill trees, romance options, and therapy birds.
Buy the original game on Amazon and experience a tutorial that humiliates you for sport. No RPG fluff. No nonsense. Just rooftops, discipline, and regret.
(Warning: may cause sudden urges to walk slowly behind monks in public.)
Assassin’s Creed Memory Block I Review: The Tutorial That Hates You
Right. You press Start. The game looks you dead in the eye and says:“You are an elite assassin.”
Splendid. Champagne moment. Thirty seconds later it adds: “Correction. You are a walking lawsuit.”
Welcome to Memory Block I, the least welcoming tutorial ever shipped to a human being.
Meet Altaïr: The World’s Most Talented Liability
You play as Altaïr Ibn-LaʼAhad, allegedly the Brotherhood’s finest blade. This is demonstrated by the fact that he:
Breaks sacred rules immediately
Gets spotted instantly
Gets another Assassin killed
Then argues about it like a man who’s never once faced consequences
It’s astonishing. He’s like a Ferrari driver who ignores the brakes, drives into a wall, and blames the concept of roads.
Al Mualim: HR With Knives
Enter Al Mualim, a man so calm it’s unsettling. He doesn’t shout. He doesn’t rage.
He just destroys Altaïr’s career with the serene tone of someone cancelling a gym membership.
Rank gone. Weapons gone. Ego punctured like a cheap tyre.
And you can feel the game smirking as it does it.
The Tutorial That Actively Dislikes You
Most tutorials say: “Press X to learn.”
This one says: “Figure it out or die.”
You’re dumped into Masyaf, a vertical maze of angry guards, judgmental monks, and ledges placed exactly one pixel too far apart.
You learn by:
Falling
Being shouted at
Accidentally stabbing civilians
Being reminded, constantly, that this is your fault
There are no pop-ups saying “Good job!”There is only silent disappointment.
Useless in real life. Extremely useful for pointing at the screen and saying
“See? THIS is when Assassin’s Creed was good.”
Blending With Monks Because Murder Requires Teamwork
The game then introduces blending. You hide among monks because apparently the Brotherhood’s greatest stealth technology is looking boring.
It’s genius.
You are an invisible ghost so long as you walk slowly and look like you’ve given up on joy. Which, frankly, prepares you well for adult life.
The Leap of Faith: Insurance Claims Hate This One Trick
Then comes the Leap of Faith.
Altaïr throws himself off a tower into hay with the confidence of a man who has never read a safety manual.
There is no hesitation. No doubt. Just physics-defying nonsense.
And here’s the thing: it works. Every time.
The game doesn’t explain why. It just expects you to accept that gravity occasionally takes lunch breaks.
This is Assassin’s Creed in a nutshell:
Shut up. Trust us. Jump.
The Animus: The Greatest Excuse Ever Invented
Any restriction, glitch, or awkward mechanic is blamed on the Animus.
Can’t go there? Animus.
Controls feel stiff? Animus.
Why can’t you murder freely yet? Animus.
It’s the most elegant scapegoat in gaming history. Ubisoft didn’t design limitations. Time did.
Magnificent arrogance.
Why Memory Block I Is Brutal and Brilliant
This block does not want you to feel powerful. It wants you to feel small, watched, and slightly stupid.
Altaïr is arrogant. You are clumsy. The game punishes both without mercy.
There is no dopamine drip. No fireworks. Just discipline.
And when you finally earn back even a fraction of your status, it feels monumental. Not because the game told you so, but because it made you suffer first.
Last Words
Memory Block I is not fun. It is not friendly. It is not impressed by you.
And that’s exactly why it works.
It doesn’t sell you the fantasy of being an assassin. It makes you qualify for it.
Which is infinitely more satisfying than being handed a blade and told you’re special.
Now jump off the tower again. You’ll learn eventually. 🤘
Congratulations. You’ve just finished an article about a game that punished you and you enjoyed it.
Lean into that personality flaw.
So you can sit at your desk looking mysterious while doing absolutely nothing assassin-related.
FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions, Rudely Answered)
Is Memory Block I just a tutorial? Technically yes. Spiritually, it’s a medieval hazing ritual designed to break your ego.
Why does Altaïr lose everything immediately? Because arrogance is the real villain here. The Brotherhood doesn’t do “second chances”, it does “prove it or disappear”.
Why is the pacing so slow? Because Assassin’s Creed originally believed patience was a skill, not a design flaw. Shocking concept, really.
Is the Leap of Faith realistic? Absolutely not. But neither is surviving a fall into hay while wearing knives. Shut up and jump.
Why can’t I just kill guards freely? Because you’re not an assassin yet. You’re an intern with delusions of grandeur.
Does this still hold up today? Yes, especially now. In an era of hand-holding and glowing objectives, this feels refreshingly hostile.
Who is this block for? Players who enjoy learning systems, being punished for mistakes, and earning power the hard way. If you need constant praise, there are plenty of modern RPGs waiting with open arms and soft pillows.
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