Schedule I: The Best Money Laundering Business, Before You Waste $80,000
The Laundromat is your cheapest entry into money laundering in Schedule I, but the Post Office is arguably the smartest upgrade after v0.4.7. The Car Wash and Taco Ticklers become worthwhile when your criminal empire produces more dirty cash than your existing businesses can handle. Hyland Medical is the newest addition, although its financial value still needs confirming.
The October 9 update increased laundering limits at three businesses, making several older recommendations rather outdated. Apparently, even organised crime suffers from obsolete financial advice.
Got the laundering sorted but need more dirty cash to keep it busy? Turn OG Kush into a remarkably profitable criminal enterprise. Because an empty laundering business is just an expensive room with suspicious accounting.
Every Schedule I money laundering business compared
Update v0.4.7 increased Post Office capacity by 25%, Car Wash capacity by 33.3% and Taco Ticklers capacity by 50%. It also made Hyland Medical purchasable.
Business | Purchase price* | Laundering capacity | Capacity per $1,000 spent |
Laundromat | $4,000 | $2,000 | $500 |
Post Office | $10,000 | $5,000 | $500 |
Car Wash | $20,000 | $8,000 | $400 |
Taco Ticklers | $50,000 | $12,000 | $240 |
Hyland Medical | $80,000 | $18,000 | $225 |
Together, the four established businesses can now process $27,000 per laundering cycle, up from $20,000. That's quite an improvement, although bigger numbers don't automatically mean better investments.
The Laundromat: Start small, stay sensible
At $4,000, the Laundromat remains the cheapest way to start laundering money. Its $2,000 capacity isn't particularly impressive, but early in the game you've got better things to spend money on than expensive buildings dedicated to moving cash around.
Production equipment, supplies and expansion all compete for your money. Buying a $20,000 Car Wash when you're barely generating enough dirty cash to occupy a Laundromat is a magnificent way to spend money without solving anything. Congratulations, you're now a property investor. A particularly unsuccessful one, considering your primary source of income is already illegal.
The Post Office: The smartest upgrade
Previously, its $10,000 purchase price bought $4,000 of laundering capacity. That has increased to $5,000, giving the Post Office the same capacity-to-purchase-price ratio as the Laundromat.
Except it processes two and a half times as much money.
More importantly, you don't replace the Laundromat. Businesses have separate laundering capacities, allowing both locations to contribute simultaneously. Together, they provide $7,000 per cycle.
For a growing criminal empire, that's an attractive combination without requiring you to sell a kidney to finance a fictional drug operation.
The Car Wash: When dirty cash starts piling up
At its $20,000 price, the Car Wash now processes $8,000 per cycle, up from $6,000. It's less capital-efficient than the first two businesses, but offers considerably more throughput.
Adding it to your Laundromat and Post Office raises combined capacity to $15,000. Whether that's worth the investment depends on how quickly you're generating dirty cash.
If your existing businesses consistently reach their limits, the Car Wash makes sense. If they're sitting idle, you've essentially bought an expensive solution to a problem you haven't got. There's no prize for owning the most laundering businesses. Presumably, the authorities would award one if they knew what you were doing, but I suspect the ceremony would involve handcuffs.
The v0.4.7 update didn't stop at laundering. Meet Schedule I's Special Customers and discover what changed. Your drug empire now has bulk buyers, customer segmentation and enough administration to make an actual corporation feel inadequate.
Taco Ticklers: Expensive, inefficient and potentially essential
At its $50,000 price, Taco Ticklers is considerably more expensive than the alternatives. Even after increasing its laundering capacity from $8,000 to $12,000, it offers the weakest capacity-to-purchase-price ratio among the four established businesses.
On paper, that's dreadful value. But paper isn't running your criminal empire.
If you're generating enough dirty cash to overwhelm your existing laundering network, another $12,000 per cycle becomes rather appealing. All four established businesses together provide $27,000.
You're paying a premium for throughput, which makes sense when you actually need it. A successful criminal empire eventually becomes an administrative nightmare involving increasingly complicated finances and businesses whose primary purpose is convincing a computer that drug money came from selling tacos.
You wanted to become a drug lord. Congratulations. You've accidentally become an accountant with a distribution network.
Hyland Medical: The $80,000 endgame monster
Hyland Medical is the most expensive laundering business in Schedule I, costing a staggering $80,000. Located in Uptown and available through Ray's Realty, it can process $18,000 per laundering cycle, making it the largest individual operation in the game according to the community wiki.
Its capacity-to-purchase-price ratio is actually the worst of the five businesses. For every $1,000 invested, you're buying just $225 in laundering capacity, compared with $500 at the Post Office. Financially, that's about as attractive as purchasing a Ferrari to deliver newspapers.
But by the time you're considering Hyland Medical, efficiency probably isn't your biggest concern. If your operation produces enough dirty cash to overwhelm everything else, another $18,000 in capacity is enormously useful. Combined with the other four businesses, your laundering network can handle $45,000 per cycle.
You've officially reached the stage of organised crime where owning a medical facility purely to process suspicious income seems like a perfectly reasonable business decision. Somewhere, an actual hospital administrator is wondering why their finance department isn't this productive.
Stop calculating ROI as though laundering creates money
Some Schedule I guides calculate how quickly a laundering business supposedly pays for itself by treating processed cash as business revenue.
That's complete bollocks.
If you launder $5,000 through the Post Office, you haven't earned $5,000. You already possessed that money. You've simply converted dirty cash into funds accessible through your online balance.
Imagine withdrawing €500 from your bank account, depositing it in another account and announcing you've made €500 profit. Your accountant would probably resign, your bank might become concerned, and somebody from the government would eventually turn up with a clipboard and a very serious expression.
Laundering capacity measures how much money you can process, not how much the business earns. The real question is whether additional processing capacity justifies its purchase price.
Which business should you buy next?
For players following the established progression, the sensible purchasing order is Laundromat → Post Office → Car Wash → Taco Ticklers → Hyland Medical, provided each expansion solves an actual capacity problem. The Post Office offers excellent value, while Hyland Medical is the ultimate endgame investment at $80,000, adding another $18,000 in laundering capacity.
With all five businesses operating, your combined laundering capacity reaches $45,000 per cycle. Whether you actually need that much is another question entirely. If your existing businesses can't keep up with your dirty cash, expand. Otherwise, spend your money somewhere useful.
Running a criminal empire is expensive enough without collecting unnecessary businesses as though you're playing Monopoly with a cocaine addiction.
Had enough of managing fictional finances? Explore CRIMENET's 25 Best Crime Games, from drug empires to bank robberies. There are plenty of other ways to become society's problem.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the best money laundering business in Schedule I?
The Post Office offers the best balance of price and capacity after v0.4.7, processing $5,000 per cycle for a $10,000 purchase price.
Which business has the highest laundering capacity?
Hyland Medical, located in Uptown, can launder $18,000 per cycle and costs $80,000.
Can you use multiple laundering businesses simultaneously?
Yes. Each business has its own laundering capacity. Owning all five gives you a combined $45,000 per cycle.
Does laundering money generate profit?
No. Laundering converts dirty cash into money available through your online balance. It doesn't generate additional income.
Is Taco Ticklers worth buying?
Yes, if your existing businesses cannot process your dirty cash quickly enough. Its $12,000 capacity is useful for larger operations, but its $50,000 purchase price makes it less cost-efficient than cheaper alternatives.
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