Shakespeare & Hathaway S5: Crime With a Safety Helmet
- Niels Gys
- 6d
- 3 min read
TL;DR
This isn’t crime fiction. This is murder served with chamomile tea and a knitted blanket.
A crime show so gentle it could be sold as aromatherapy.
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Criminal Fantasy Fulfillment
If this show were any softer, it’d be used to wrap newborn kittens.
Every episode is like watching a criminal apologise after stealing your pen and offering a biscuit as compensation. Nobody is dangerous. Nobody is threatening. Nobody even raises their voice unless the kettle’s boiled over.
Rooting for the “villains” here feels like cheering for someone who broke into a bakery to straighten the cupcakes.
Plot & Pacing — A Snail on Valium
The pacing is… let’s say “medically relaxed.”
Imagine a detective show where the highest-stakes moment is someone losing a scarf. Imagine a mystery so gentle you could solve it while unconscious. Imagine a show that proudly says: “We have crime. But not the exciting kind.”
One episode literally made me check if my TV had switched to screensaver mode.
Characters & Performances — The World’s Least Dangerous Duo
Frank Hathaway looks like a man who’s been permanently defeated by gluten. Lu Shakespeare is a walking Pinterest board of chaotic enthusiasm.
Together they solve crimes with the urgency of two people trying to find a misplaced coupon.
Guest characters drift in like lost tourists who accidentally wandered onto a BBC set and were too polite to leave.
Not a psychopath in sight. Not even a good scoundrel. Just a bunch of quirky locals doing crimes so wholesome they should be packaged as children’s toys.
Dialogue & Writing — Puns So Soft They’re Practically Mush
This show fires dad jokes like it’s trying to kill you with disappointment.
Every quip lands with the impact of a damp paper towel. Every reveal feels like the writers stood up, stretched, and said:“Eh, good enough. Let’s get lunch.”
It’s aggressively fine. Painfully pleasant. Weaponised politeness.
World & Atmosphere — Danger-Free Since Day One
Warwickshire here looks like the sort of place where even drug dealers offer loyalty cards.
It’s all pastel colours, hedges trimmed by angels, and a crime rate so cute it should be on Etsy.
There’s zero grit. Zero grime. Zero danger.
It’s like the BBC tried to create a crime show that wouldn’t upset a nervous chihuahua.
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Direction & Style — Perfectly Acceptable Beige
The directing is so safe that if it were a person, it would wear reflective vests at home.
Shots are clean. Angles are predictable. Nothing risks anything. Nothing surprises you.
Honestly, I’ve seen IKEA manuals with more cinematic flair.
Soundtrack & Mood — Music You Put On While Folding Laundry
The soundtrack politely taps you on the shoulder to let you know someone might be dead. Maybe. If that’s alright with you.
This isn’t tension. This is background noise for boring chores.
Morality & Madness — No Madness Allowed
The entire moral compass of this show is squeaky clean. Nobody gets away with anything terrible. The worst ethical dilemma is someone eating their neighbour’s biscuits.
CRIMENET villains would last 8 seconds in this universe before dying of boredom.
Rewatchability/Bingeworthiness
Shockingly high if you want to feel safe and warm. Absolutely zero if you came for mayhem, chaos, or even mild discomfort.
This show doesn’t push boundaries. It gently nudges them like a shy librarian.
Series Longevity
Season 5 proves an uncomfortable truth: You cannot kill this formula. It will outlive us all. This is the cockroach of cozy crime.
And honestly?
Respect. Annoying, beige, unstoppable respect.
FAQ
Is Season 5 worth watching? Yes, if your idea of excitement is watching someone misplace a pie.
Is it scary? Only if you’re terrified of mild inconveniences.
Do I need to watch previous seasons? No. You could start anywhere. You could stop anywhere. It’s like picking a biscuit from a tin, all the same flavour.
Is this for crime fans? Only if your favourite felony is “being slightly naughty.”
Does Season 5 innovate? About as much as a brick.
Before you go… arm yourself with better crime.
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