Crime Simulator Just Dropped on PC — Steal Everything That Isn’t Nailed Down (Including the Couch)
- Niels Gys
- Jun 17, 2025
- 2 min read
Crime Simulator: The Co-Op Felony Fest No One Asked For (But We Secretly Needed)
No day job. No morals. Just crowbars, sleeping gas, and capitalism’s dark side.
Are you tired of games pretending you’re the hero? Bored of being the chosen one, the savior, the problem solver? Then may I interest you in a career filled with housebreaking, gas masks, weed farming, and enough stolen microwaves to furnish a Motel 6?
Crime Simulator is here — launched June 17, 2025 — and it’s the most honest game on the market. Why? Because it drops the moral ambiguity and just lets you be the absolute worst version of yourself, in glorious four-player co-op.
The Setup:
You and up to three shady friends start with nothing but a dream and a lockpick. From there? Rob houses. Rob stores. Rob each other, if the mood strikes.
Every house you break into is a chance to steal, stack cash, and get your buddy knocked out by a frying pan-wielding granny.
It’s what Home Alone would be if Kevin grew up and joined the Eastern European mob.
Gameplay Breakdown
House Robbery:Burgle everything — from TVs to toothbrushes. Then fence them like it’s 1992.
Co-op Heists:Sneak into homes with your buddies. One distracts the dog, the other hides in the closet, the third grabs the PlayStation. Teamwork!
Tools of the Trade:Sleeping gas grenades, crowbars, bolt cutters, stun guns, and every tool short of an actual nuke.
Base Building:Buy your own hideout, grow your own weed, and stash your loot like you’re prepping for an IRS audit.
Cops and Consequences:Screw up? The fuzz shows up. Better have a getaway car — or a good alibi and clean pants.
Criminal/Evil Scorecard
Play as a criminal?
✅It’s in the name. You rob people for money, joy, and sometimes just because the door was unlocked.
Play as the evil one?
✅There’s no Robin Hooding here. You’re not giving back to the poor — unless you count your lazy couch-mate “poor.”
Heists or theft?
✅Theft is the game. Heisting is the career. You’ll even take jobs that sound illegal before you’ve finished the email.
Murder or violence?
✅Mostly non-lethal, but you’ll definitely tase someone’s grandmother if it means grabbing a gold watch.
The Good
✔️ Actually lets you be a full-time criminal
✔️ Perfect for multiplayer chaos and betrayal
✔️ Tools and gadgets are criminally fun
✔️ Hideout upgrades and side-hustles galore
The Bad
❌ AI reactions range from genius to braindead
❌ Occasional jank — like doors phasing into alternate dimensions
❌ Zero remorse. (Actually… is that a con?)
Criminal Mastermind Rating: 9/10
The only thing keeping this from a perfect score? No multi-national bank heists (yet). But in terms of small-time crime with big-time laughs, Crime Simulator is a full-blown felony fantasy.
Verdict
Play it. Steal lamps. Gas the living room. Drive off into the night in a 1996 Civic filled with garden gnomes. This is Payday for the petty crook in all of us — and CRIMENET GAZETTE approves.
😈💼 Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a fridge to unload.
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