Thief Simulator 2 Review – Janky, Chaotic, Criminal Fun

🛠️Updated for Switch Release

TL;DR

A janky, addictive burglary sim where every house is a puzzle, every NPC is an idiot, and every cop is a clairvoyant.

A scruffy, glitchy, awkward burglary simulator that somehow ends up more addictive than half the AAA heist games out there.

It’s the video-game equivalent of a dodgy kebab at 3AM: you know it’s not perfect, but God help you, you will devour it.

Before you read on: if you’re going to impersonate a career criminal anyway, you might as well look the part. Grab a proper gaming mouse on Amazon because fumbling a burglary with a €12 plastic potato is how people get caught.

👉 Amazon: SteelSeries Rival 5 Gaming Mouse

👉 CRIMENET: Visit the GTA Online Money Hub

PLAN, MASK, EXECUTE — THE MASTER HEIST… IN THEORY

Thief Simulator 2 wants to be a slick burglary fantasy, the kind where you slink through shadows like a criminal panther.

In reality?You’re a man with a crowbar who looks like he got fired from IKEA for “taking the displays too literally.”

The good news: casing houses, learning routines, scouting angles, that stuff actually feels brilliant. The tension builds, the routes click, and suddenly you’re grinning like an idiot who just stole a toaster worth 12 euros and is weirdly proud of it.

The bad news: everything around that fantasy feels like it was built using leftover parts from a Polish construction site. Menus, UI, animations, it’s all gloriously scruffy.

But somehow… beautifully playable. Like a dog with three legs that still runs faster than you.

CREW DYNAMICS — IT’S JUST YOU, YOU LONELY GREMLIN

Payday gives you a squad of loud, overconfident friends. GTA gives you psychos, mercenaries, and Lester screaming about spreadsheets.

Thief Simulator 2 gives you… yourself.

Your crew is you. Your plan is you. Your mistakes? Definitely you, but you’ll blame the tenants anyway.

NPCs wander around like they’re paid by the step, and half of them seem legally blind. The other half can, apparently, see through walls.

There is no team banter. No betrayal. No chaos but your own.

You are the entire heist, which makes success feel godlike and failure feel like tripping over your own shoelaces in front of a CCTV camera.

HEIST MECHANICS — BRILLIANT… UNTIL IT BREAKS

When this game works, it REALLY works.

Lockpicking? Tense and satisfying.

Hacking? Fun, even when the minigames feel suspiciously like you’re doing your own taxes.

Route planning? Chef’s kiss.

Then occasionally the game remembers it’s running on the same engine that powers every Eastern European indie survival title, and something bizarre happens:

• Guards teleport

• Doorframes eat your soul

• A cupboard becomes more solid than the laws of physics

• A tenant spots you from 45 meters away despite being asleep

It’s like playing a brilliant stealth game that had a nervous breakdown during development.

STEALTH VS LOUD — GUESS WHICH ONE THEY ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT

Stealth? Superb. Polished. Tense.

Going loud? Imagine trying to beat someone to death with a banana while roller skating.

You can fight. You can knock people out. You can gas a room like you’re a budget Batman villain.

But the game is clearly whispering: “Please don’t. Please… just sneak. We didn’t finish this part.”

Halfway through and already thinking “I could do a better heist than this”?

Good. Prove it. Pick up Payday 2 or Payday 3 on Green Man Gaming and experience true multiplayer chaos where your friends betray you faster than your GPU throttles.

👉 CRIMENET: Check out the Heist Hub

REWARDS & PROGRESSION — THE KARMA OF STEALING TVs

Progression works. Not mind-blowing, but functional:

• Level up

• Unlock tools

• Steal slightly more expensive microwaves

• Repeat until morally bankrupt

It’s addictive in the same way cleaning your room at 3AM is addictive: pointless, repetitive, yet strangely fulfilling.

By the time you’re cracking vaults and hitting banks, you’ll wonder why real criminals don’t level up like this.

Oh right, because they get arrested.

LEVEL DESIGN & REPLAYABILITY — TWO NEIGHBOURHOODS, ENDLESS CHAOS

Two neighbourhoods. Three major heists. Over twenty houses.

It’s not enormous, but it’s dense.

Each location is a little puzzle box where every routine matters. Once you learn the paths, you’ll hit perfect runs that make you feel like a criminal savant.

Then you’ll clip into a wall and scream.

Replayability depends on whether you enjoy:

• Optimizing routes

• Memorizing schedules

• Feeling like a genius

• Feeling immediately not like a genius

If “yes,” you’ll be happy for hours. If “no,” go back to our GTA money grind rankings and pretend you like grind.

WEAPONS & GEAR — THE TOOLS ARE SEXY, THE VIOLENCE IS NOT

The gear is fantastic.

Binoculars, hacking laptops, advanced lockpicks, it feels like Christmas at a thief convention. You’ll fall in love with your toolbag more than you ever loved your actual friends.

But weapons? Oh dear God.

Fighting feels like trying to swing a baguette underwater. It works, technically, but every part of your body wishes you hadn’t tried.

Stick to stealth. Or be humiliated.

TENSION & POLICE AI — FEAST OR FARCE

When the tension hits, it’s electrifying.

Heart pounding.Footsteps echoing. You’re crouched behind a sofa debating whether stealing a €30 tea kettle is worth your entire criminal career.

But the police?The police feel like they downloaded ESP from Wish.com.

• Sometimes they ignore you

• Sometimes they’re psychic

• Sometimes they spawn directly behind you like they’re in a horror film

The game clearly wants you to run, not fight, and honestly, sprinting to your car with a bag full of stolen junk is pure dopamine.

MULTIPLAYER & MATCHMAKING — LOL NO

There is no multiplayer.

This is a lonely crime simulator, the criminal equivalent of eating Pringles alone at 2AM while Googling “how to crack a safe.”

If you want co-op chaos, go to the Payday section. Here, you suffer alone, like a proper introverted felon.

FAQ

Better solo or with friends? It’s solo-only. You and your shame.

Does stealth actually work? Yes, when the AI isn’t having a psychic episode.

Worth buying in 2025? If you like stealth and chaos, absolutely. If you want polish, keep walking.

Still here? Then you’re clearly the kind of person who steals forks from restaurants “as a joke. ”Do yourself a favour and grab a decent headset so you can actually hear guards sneaking up on you like underpaid ninjas.

👉 Amazon: HyperX Cloud II Gaming Headset

👉 CRIMENET: Dive into the Crime Games Index